How Depression Takes All The Energy I Have.
Those who know me best probably already knew I’ve been suffering with depression, but even some of my better friends probably don’t know to what extent it is. On the surface, I’m a fairly happy person, putting on a mask of smiles and attempts at comedy. As with a lot of things, what’s on the outside doesn’t always indicate what's going on underneath.
My depression manifests worst as fatigue. I’m constantly tired, never want to do anything, and my motivation is at an all-time low. In my life, my obligations include getting up at 2 am for work five days a week, doing household chores, taking care of lunches and dinners, helping with homework and taking the kids to scout activities. It’s a lot, and it constantly wipes me out. Going to work along with the commute is enough to kick my ass to the point where I feel like a need a nap when I get home.
Because I have to prioritize my obligations, when my depression is at its worst, some things get neglected. Because of this, I offer an apology to to family and friends who’ve I’ve flaked out on because the act of getting out the door is just too much on some days. The idea right now of doing extra activities, such as exercise, sounds like the hardest thing in the world.
I’m hoping that once I can get full on into ketosis mode, the fat burning endorphins kick in and it gives me that boost of energy I haven’t had in over a year.
The other ugly truth about depression is that because of its very nature, it instills a level of hopelessness, so I don’t really have a clear path out of it. How do I stop being so tired all the time? I have no idea, because getting extra sleep at night isn’t really an option. I know exercising will help, but I’ve been too depressed to get out and exercise. It’s circular and it sucks.
I will say I took a step forward this week (besides writing this blog), and really opened up to a friend about my mental struggles, and it felt amazing to be relieved of even a little of that burden, even though it was hard to talk about. I’m very grateful for her ear and I hope I was helpful to her as well.
I will continue to soldier on, as the weight-loss journey is only a part of the overall struggles I’m facing. I hope that with success in one, comes success in the other, and then I can stop being so damn tired all the time.